Hope no one minds but I belong to several blogs and I tend to post jokes or funny storie weeky so with the Karsher's blessing I hope I would like to post a few here for confersations and humor...Thanks

The Stella Awards
>
>It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
>The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
>hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case
>inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful
>lawsuits in the United States.
>
>
>Here are this year's winners:
>
>
>5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000
>by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
>who
>was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
>understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
>little
>toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
>
>
>5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and
>medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
>Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
>car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
>
>
>5th Place (tie):
>Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just
>finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
>door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
>couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
>garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.
>Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on
>a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
>homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
>anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
>
>
>4th Place:
>Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical
>expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
>beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award
>was
>less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a
>little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence
>into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
>
>
>3rd Place:
>A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
>Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
>coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
>thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
>
>
>2nd Place:
>Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night
>club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
>floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton
>was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
>the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
>
>
>1st Place:
>This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
>Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
>home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven
>onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
>drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not
>surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
>Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual
>that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a
>new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of
>this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

I want to suit the triplets for being so Damm Cute....he he he lol

Subject: A Living Will (we all need one)...
>
>
>
>
> I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
>
> Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
>
> If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for single
malt scotch, it should be presumed that I won't do so ever again. When such
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending
physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
>
> Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special
law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads
mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education
and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma and who
nonetheless may be in need of nourishment.
>
> Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care
how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the
presidency in 2008 , 2012, 2016, or beyond, it is my wish that they play
politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.
>
> I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people,
and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and/or crusade on my behalf.
They should mind their own damn business, too.
>
> If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political
cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her
existence a living hell.
>

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE
MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:




Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed



I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother



Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so
is your head



Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face



Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not



I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off your face



I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn I'm good at telling lies



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife

Marrying you screwed up my life



I see your face when I am dreaming

That's why I always wake up screaming



My love, you take my breath away

What have you stepped in to smell this way



My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "go to hell"



What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime

Subject: FWD: From The Mouths of Babes
>
> What is love ?
>
> Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.
> Touching
> words from the mouth of babes. What does Love mean? A group of
> professional people posed this
> question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,
> >
> >
> >
> > "What does love mean?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could
> have
> imagined. See what you think:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "When my grandmother got arthritis, she
> >
> >
> >
> > couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
> >
> >
> >
> > So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even
> >
> >
> >
> > when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
> >
> >
> >
> > Rebecca- age 8
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > When someone loves you, the way they say
> >
> >
> >
> > your name is different. You just know that your
> >
> >
> >
> > name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a
> >
> >
> >
> > boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and
> >
> >
> >
> > smell each other." Karl - age 5
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is when you go out to eat and give
> >
> >
> >
> > somebody most of your French fries without making
> >
> >
> >
> > them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is what makes you smile when you're
> >
> >
> >
> > tired." Terri - age 4
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my
> >
> >
> >
> > daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him,
> >
> >
> >
> > to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then
> >
> >
> >
> > when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be
> >
> >
> >
> > together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are
> >
> >
> >
> > like that. They look gross when they kiss"
> >
> >
> >
> > Emily-age 8
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is what's in the room with you at
> >
> >
> >
> > Christmas if you stop opening
> >
> >
> >
> > presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "If you want to learn to love better, you
> >
> >
> >
> > should start with a friend who you hate,"
> >
> >
> >
> > Nikka - age 6
> >
> >
> >
> > (we need a few million more Nikka's on this
> planet)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is when you tell a guy you like his
> >
> >
> >
> > shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is like a little old woman and a
> >
> >
> >
> > little old man who are still friends
> >
> >
> >
> > even after they know each other so well."
> >
> >
> >
> > Tommy - age 6
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "During my piano recital, I was on a stage
> >
> >
> >
> > and I was scared . I looked at all the people
> >
> >
> >
> > watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
> >
> >
> >
> > He was the only one doing that. I wasn't
> >
> >
> >
> > scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "My mommy loves me more than anybody . You
> >
> >
> >
> > don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
> >
> >
> >
> > Clare - age 6
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best
> >
> >
> >
> > piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and
> >
> >
> >
> > sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert
> Redford."
> >
> >
> >
> > Chris - age 7
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is when your puppy licks your face
> >
> >
> >
> > even after you left him alone all day."
> >
> >
> >
> > Mary Ann - age 4
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "I know my older sister loves me because she
> >
> >
> >
> > gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and
> >
> >
> >
> > buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go
> >
> >
> >
> > up and down and little stars come out of you." (what
> >
> >
> >
> > an image) Karen - age 7
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet
> >
> >
> >
> > and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "You really shouldn't say 'I love you'
> >
> >
> >
> > unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should
> >
> >
> >
> > say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked
> about
> a contest he was asked
> >
> > to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring
> child.
> >
> >
> >
> > The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was
> an
> elderly gentleman who had
> >
> > recently lost his wife.
> >
> >
> >
> > Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
> gentleman's
> yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
> >
> >
> >
> > When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little
> boy
> said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out
> that
> God
> is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is
> simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you
> this.
> >
> >
> >
> > Father, God bless all my friends in whatever
> >
> >
> >
> > it is that You know they
> >
> >
> >
> > may be needing this day! And may their life
> >
> >
> >
> > be full of your peace,
> >
> >
> >
> > prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have
> >
> >
> >
> > a closer relationship
> >
> >
> >
> > with you. Amen.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Then send it on to five other people,
> >
> >
> >
> > including the one who sent it
> >
> >
> >
> > to you. Within hours you caused a multitude
> >
> >
> >
> > of people to pray for
> >
> >
> >
> > other people. Then sit back and watch the
> >
> >
> >
> > power of God work in your life
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > P. S. Five is good, but more is better.

Here is another short funny:



HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food.


Sounds good too me...